I am now in the early stages of wedding planning and am so excited to get married in early 2023. So far everything is going great, but I have been avoiding inviting people to the wedding party because I am not sure what to do about it. specific situation.
Some context: My best friend of over 20 years and I talk about her being my bridesmaid since I was a kid, but now that that time has come and circumstances have changed, I’ve changed my mind. During the time I was with my partner, my childhood friend moved out of the country and I also became incredibly attached to FH’s sister (I already see her as my sister).
Logistically, I think it would make more sense to have my future SIL as a bridesmaid since we are so close and she is around and she will be my SIL when all is said and done. I also don’t want to put undue pressure on my girlfriend by asking her to commit to being a bridesmaid if she’s going to be alone in town the weekend of the wedding.
The point I’m stuck on is how to approach the subject without ruining our 20+ year friendship. Is it possible to kindly share my thoughts or should I ask my foreign best friend to attend and hope for the best?
First of all, congratulations! The early stages of wedding planning are fun (and maybe a little stressful) … but you’ve come to the right place. If you haven’t already, you should definitely check out our free tools and maybe even grab yourself a wedding planning book and planner. Honestly, there are so many good tips in the book for these problems (and any others you’ll encounter in the next year +).
In Meg’s words, “At first glance, it might seem like choosing a bridesmaid and groomsman should be easy, but in reality, it often isn’t. First, a wedding reception is a way for important people to honor your life. These people should reflect your life as it was lived, not an attempt to shape your life to look from a photo in a magazine.”
I’ll stop for a moment and add a thought here… I think the way we organize wedding receptions in our culture is a bit strange. We “ask” people, but we assume the answer is yes, without much regard for those individuals’ budgets, lifestyles, time constraints, or whatever. Or we choose not to “ask” people why we make assumptions about their availability and opinions. Some of us accidentally get stuck in the idea of the “perfect” wedding party, with equal parts for ourselves and our partner. Or we engage in titles and titles instead of the overall feeling, connection and support that is at the heart of the bridal party.
Basically, I think there are many ways that wedding reception can “go wrong”. So my first piece of advice is to try not to make assumptions about … well, whatever. You should definitely plan real conversations with friends and family. Maybe you’re right and your best friend doesn’t want to travel beyond the wedding weekend. However, you could be wrong and your BFF is definitely going to come to town for all the extra events too because she too has been dreaming of your MOH for over 20 years. Either way, if logistics are the main thing you’re concerned about, it’s much better to give him a chance to participate in the conversation.
Another thought is this ,why should you only have one MOH? Speaking from experience, you don’t. I’ve been to MOH twice on different occasions and shared the title with the bride’s sister… and guess what? It worked great! Here when. While it is very special to be selected for one of the MOH honors, there are also many parts that are not particularly glamorous. It’s expensive and time-consuming to plan all the special events you want to treat your best friend to, you have to discuss and coordinate the rest of the wedding party, and you’re on deck picking up the game for function planning or ’emergencies’. ‘ wedding day.
So consider having two MOHs – your future SIL will be your local right-hand man, and your BFF (who flies in from another country) can be a very available dark girl from far away.
Finally… even if you and your long-distance best friend have been discussing the roles of MOH since you were a kid, that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to follow this plan. Many things and relationships change over time, and it’s perfectly normal to keep a loose promise you made when you were 8. If you truly believe that your future SIL is the right person for the role and you don’t want those two people sharing this spotlight, then trust your instincts and go for it. After all, it’s your wedding and you can call.
Now for the “how”. Depending on the choices you make, the conversation with your best friend may look a little different.
If you decide to just ask him about his availability and commitment to the concert, it might sound a bit like “Hey, honey…I wanted to talk to you why” I started planning the wedding details. I know we’ve been dreaming of our future marriage together for decades, and you know I can’t get married without you around. But since you live so far away, I just wanted to ask you how you feel about being my MOH. I’d really like you to take the part, but I don’t want you to feel compelled to fly here or take on many distant assignments. So I wanted to talk to you about all the logistics first.”
If you have two MOHs, it might sound more like “Beasts! Could you be my MOH like we’ve always dreamed of? I want you to know that I also asked for my SIL will being my second MOH who takes the stress out of planning and makes everything so much easier for both of you She is sober MOH because she lives nearby and I just know you love each other so all the best with both you are my dream. I hope you’re done with this.”
And if you end up just choosing your SIL for the MOH role, I highly recommend (highly) having an intentional conversation with your BFF so her heart is protected from any twists and turns. Ask her some time to drink wine and chat together on Zoom and then keep it real and loving. “So I wanted to talk to you about wedding party stuff. I’m so excited about all the fun things to come. I know you and I have always talked about our upcoming wedding and just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Since you are so lives far away and life is so hectic I would like to ask SIL to be my MOH and take on all the planning and extra work Obviously I can’t imagine getting married without you on my side and I would love to have you here for as many events as possible. So… would you be my bridesmaid?’
I know these types of conversations can be difficult… but believe me when I tell you that having such conversations is easier than losing a friendship because you didn’t break the bond and don’t share your true feelings with someone who does. means a lot to you. . Announcing your choice (whatever it is) and keeping it real with everyone involved is always better than leaving your friend in the dark to find out when she gets a surprise invite message from your SIL signed “SIL, MOH”.
DIRECTOR AND CEO
Alyssa (she) is an eccentric woman living in Sacramento, California with her new wife Trisha, the cutest of eight, two puppies and two kittens. Alyssa is APW’s VP of Operations and CEO, meaning she leads APW today. It also connects smart and innovative brands with the APW audience. Before joining the A Practical Wedding team, Alyssa spent nine years as a wedding planner in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has planned and performed weddings for dozens of couples, has been a bridesmaid at least eight times, and even holds a wedding planning certificate. In addition to her on-the-ground experience in the wedding industry, Alyssa helped Meg research her second book and contributed her expertise to numerous APW articles and events. If she’s not planning epic events, you might see her eating ramen, buying plants, or drinking coffee (or a glass of wine, let’s face it) somewhere in the mountains.